I think this may be the worst birthday yet, Pixelated Space. Yes, even worse than the one where mom forgot about it.

I feel all used up. Wrung out. I have nothing left in me to give to anyone. I am the Dumping Ground for all things and don’t matter. I don’t even have it in me to be angry.

I’m going to go feed the cats, find something to eat, and then I’m going to make this day go away.

Today’s my birthday, Pixelated Space. I’m 28yrs old as of somewhere around 3am, I believe. I miss the days when this moment mattered. When you looked forward to the day when you would finally be old enough for something. Old enough to pick your own clothes, old enough for a big girl bike, old enough for..everything. It always seemed like the world was your’s back then. It was your day, no matter who else may have been born on it.

I don’t really care about getting older now. I don’t need to be old enough to do something. After 21, well.. Hell, I was already drinking – alot – by then, so all it meant was I could get it no matter what. Although hardly anyone ever carded me, before or after. That shit doesn’t matter anymore. I just want that feeling back. That the world was mine and I could do anything. Nothing was impossible. Before everyone broke my dreams and tampered with my reality.

I had intended to wax philosophically on the meaning of this day and what it’s become. How I feel about it now, how I felt about it then. How I lie and tell people it’s just another day when somewhere, deep down inside of me there’s a little girl screaming about everyone forgetting about her. I just don’t have it in me, though.

So, I’ll just leave it at this.

I am very tired Pixelated Space. I very nearly went on a rampage, trying to scrape some money together and get gear gathered to go to a camping trip. I needed to just be Away. Away from people, away from all the drama, to not have to think, to just Be without having to be constantly vigil. To be around people I knew and liked, people who don’t judge me, who have never done anything but good by me. Maybe it’s just that our time together was generally short, but I honestly don’t care.

Everyone said No. Don’t do this. It will be bad. No matter what I told them, I got the same answers. I tried to explain how badly I just needed to be Away for a little while, and no one would listen. It made me so angry.. Like buzzards around carrion, they circled closer and closer until I couldn’t stand against it and gave in. I gave in to the point where I thought they were right. I’m some fucked up mental patient, what the hell was i thinking of trying to have some fun?! Some actual peace?! Oh, you were an idiot from the start to think that was even possible. So now I sit here, and their words circle around inside my head.. I feel so alone and so very trapped.