Okay, I had my moment. I sorta lost it last night. I’m just… I can’t even find words to describe how fucked up everything is right now is all. That was the purpose of writing it out, though, to find those words, to make this tangible and not just random bullshit bouncing around in my head. Because being stuck in my head isn’t a good thing. It’s not a nice place there – never was.

I can’t figure out what it is I want. What I need. I know the difference, but right now it seems like some things are becoming interchangeable, and I’m not sure that’s okay. Maybe it is. It’s the whole Not Knowing thing that seems to be bugging me the most. I’ve always been able to sort through things, make my decisions, and follow through.

I find myself questioning myself more and more often. I’m not used to that. I know alot of people think that I do that all the time, even pre Blow Out and pre meds, but not really. I knew Who I was and What I was. I never questioned that. I knew I was strong. I knew I could handle damn near anything. Hell, I’d already handled alot… Now, though? Now, I feel weak and indecisive, like a strong wind could blow me away. Feeling that.. I don’t like that.

I’m attempting cooking, so I guess I should attend to that before I burn the whole house down. I slept most of today and I’m still exhausted. Hopefully there won’t be much staring at the ceiling.

Everything is a jumbled up mass of.. Stuff. I see the path, I see my point, and halfway there I’m surrounded in a fog of clammy dampness and everything gets lost. It’s like I’m stuck in the Fun House and can’t find my way out, only there’s no fun house. Wow, that was helpful.. I keep making hard rights, hoping to find that clear spot, then a hard left, only to run straight into a dead end.

This isn’t Me. Okay, whatever, I get that “normal” people don’t think the same way as I do.. Did. Whatever. Everyone tells me I sound fine, but I hear and see the difference. I never had to search the grey matter file banks for my thesaurus for a word. Eloquent was always used to describe me and now.. Now I feel like I’m fucking stupid. I mean, seriously, if this is what people have told me what they and “normal” people are like, you’re all fucking morons.

Yea, yea, judge away. I don’t fucking care right now. I’m…. FUCK! This is NOT where I wanted this to go. I wanted to write down what it feels like. Being all jumbled up inside of my own head, like something was.. See, I stopped in mid sentence to eat a bite of oatmeal and I’ve already lose where I was going with that. Things are hanging on a balance and I feel them trying to shift downhill. It keeps sliding that way, and I try to stop myself and stay somewhere close to level, but it’s not working every time. Maybe that means the meds are finally working and now I have to discuss anti depressants with the fucking meds doctor.. Which she probably won’t put me on until I see the fucking therapist. Atleast it’s not another month from one visit to the next for that.. and maybe I can schedule a meds appts closer in or something if I do need to add something..

By the way, I just really love how every becomes an amateur psychiatrist/psychoanalyst/doctor of some kind. Everyone wants to tell me what is and isn’t okay for me, what I do and don’t need in my life, that I do or don’t need the meds. My favorite so far? It’s all in your head, you’ll be fine. Some fucking friends I’ve got that not a SINGLE FUCKING ONE can be bothered to call, to email, to send a fucking text message asking me how I’m doing. I listen to you all cry and whine and tell me how awful your fucking lives are, and now ask yourself how many times you asked me how my fucking day was. If, after over an hour of listening to you go on, if I wanted to say my piece. When was the last time you didn’t judge me? When was the last time you fucking asked because you genuinely cared?

I almost fucking KILLED MYSELF. If one person, just one person, had bothered to give two shits enough to ASK.. Just once, if they had asked if I was okay.. I know you all have your own lives but when did mine become so fucking insignificant to the people who are supposed to CARE about ME?!

This has gone to hell. I need to hurry up and finish eating so I can take the fucking meds. Maybe I’ll sleep tonight.

Or maybe it’s my period.. I seem to be swinging Down more often than Up. I’ve made notes. I have this great fear she [the med doc] will want my little piece of paper and the very idea gives me a panic attack. Debating on getting a cheapo clean tear 1 subject folder to write her copies of things in.. then maybe another for the therapist?

I forgot an ink cartridge and OJ for muffins yesterday, so it looks like I have to make Her go back out anyhow. Must review the SSI website and make sure I’ve gotten it all sorted. Can’t seem to remember if I make the appointment then give them the medical release form or the other way around. The Former makes more sense, but this is the government we’re talking about..

Had the oddest dream.. I woke up to the sound of something outside, and when I looked out my window it was just as it always has been. There was the pecan tree, it’s barren branches filtering light down onto the hydrangeas. The bits of Yarrow that still try to hold on, though it’s a horrible spot for them. For whatever reason, I opened my window, popped the screen and crawled out. This isn’t a low window, it’s a good 6ft up from the cellar door you would have to stand on just to look in. But, as is the way of dreams, there I was, on the ground. I was surrounded by kudzu. I mean it was hip deep, wound around itself a thousand time over, some of it blooming.. I’ve only ever seen kudzu in bloom once. It’s said it only does it once every 100 years. There was a man there, and he had the silkiest, softest hair. It wasn’t white, it was like it was.. translucent. Completely void of color. It sparkled and shimmered like ice in the moonlight. I remember his features were sharp. You could have cut your finger on his cheekbones. He was beautiful, but not in that cutesy glittery vampire bullshit, or that whole elfin thing. He was part of everything around him and that made him beautiful. And I was scared. I cried. I remember crying. I remember saying I don’t cry, not to look, not to see me like that. He just watched, though. He didn’t turn away. Something else happened, something Important.. but I can’t remember what it was. Something transient and fluid, lost in those moments between sleeping and waking.. I don’t know if it was something I did, something he said? Did he give me those answers I asked so desperately for last night as I stared at the ceiling for hours?? I don’t know.. I know I woke up in my own bed, alone, curled up in the smallest ball possible in the nest of pillows I’d made in the night.

So no answers.. I need some. I need some very badly. I take that back, I did get some answers, but they were things I already knew, already suspected. My “friends” were never my Friends. I’m not being selfish with this. I’m not saying they didn’t pay me enough attention or some shit like that. I’m saying they never had much of an interest to begin with. I’m trying to move on, though. I mourn the loss of something so very familiar but.. I’m trying to move forward.