I have the dumb.

I have consumed enough caffeine in the last 10hrs to kill an average sized horse, and yet I’m barely slogging through the day. What..the..fuck?

While we’re on the subject, who decided that the vast majority of energy drinks should taste like complete crap? As the name implies, I’ll drink just about anything that has caffeine in it. It takes quite a bit to disgust me so much that I just can’t even get through it. I’ve made it through a can of Kroger brand coffee, and let me tell you all that this takes alot of determination and a nonexistent gag reflex.

Ever had a Rockstar Mocha? Don’t bother, save your $11 [or$4 if you're a pansy single can drinker]. It tastes like week old coffee with dishwater in it. The Java Monster atleast tastes remotely like coffee, but it seriously lacks any sort of punch. I could go brew a cup of coffee if that’s all I wanted. Then you have the “regular” flavored ones. I have not had the displeasure of a regular Monster, but I’ve heard bad things. Mainly that it’s very similar to their Hitman shot. Which, if you’ve ever wondered what cold liquefied Life Savers would taste like, you should try it! Same goes for Redline. I researched Redline a bit, saw all the hype about the heart warnings and all of these hardcore caffeine people swore it nearly killed them. I really want to know wtf could even make it through the whole damn bottle! The overwhelming metallic grape flavor and syrup like sweetness and texture nearly did me in. I got 3 swigs in before giving up. That same bottle has sat in my fridge for the past 2 weeks. I shudder every time I have to move it. The payoff was decent for the little I did drink, but it could put me on cloud 9 and I still wouldn’t be able to stomach the whole thing. Maybe they make it taste so awful so you won’t drink the whole thing at once.

Redbull is my first love, though. I was introduced to it by stacking it with coffee first thing. Gotta love the Geeks! If you chug two 4oz cans and drink a cup of coffee first thing, it’ll damn sure pep you right up! The crash sucks big time, but it got me through some morning shifts without seriously injuring anyone. That was many years ago, though, and it no longer has the same effect. I can kick back 2 12oz cans and be fine – no jitters, same crash.I know most people don’t like the taste, but I actually happen to like fruit punch, and the fact it’s carbonated just makes it a fizzy fruit punch. Add a little vodka and everything’s great!

I know there are lots of energy drinks out there I haven’t even heard of, let alone tried. I have some bookmarks of the thousands of brands that are out there along with caffeine content and ratings. I’m just sick and tired of wasting my very precious money on crap. It’s one thing if the payoff isn’t that great, but if I have to gag my way through a whole bottle to get the teeniest buzz, what’s the point? I could invest in some caffeinated soap for the same effect, *and* I’ll smell pretty! What energy drink can say they’ll do that?!

Okay, apparently I had enough brain to rant about crap. What can I say, I have my priorities!