I’m up again. I had managed to sleep in until 5:30am one day, I think last week. I’m tired, to say the least. This is something I’ve come to take for granted.

In other news, my computer came from the factory as a POS. Not a serious POS like my old machine, but apparently it needs a new power supply and motherboard. It randomly went out at random intervals and I was at it’s mercy. Thank god for Her laptop, otherwise I’d be stark raving mad by now. At any rate, the tech guy came by yesterday afternoon, replaced just the power supply – which he said was unusual – and.. Nothing. Nada, zilch, zip. The fans didn’t even turn on. They sent me a DOA power supply. Loverly. Now directly prior to this time, my computer decided to come back to life, so he put the old power supply back in for me even though they’re not supposed to. So now I have an order in for a motherboard and power supply and am at my computer’s mercy. We’ll all hope it doesn’t go AWOL again.

Things with Aussie are good. We still haven’t run out of things to talk about. I don’t want to put too much up here about it all just because it’s mine, yanno? My preecious! Anyhow, that’s how it feels, so.. He makes me happy, even from 2900 miles away. I’m determined not to fuck this up.

As far as fucking with my meds went, it went without any real adverse effects. I’m now on the same dosages, only this time with the different sized pills. I’ll admit I don’t feel *as* hungry and insatiable as before, but we’ll see how it goes. If I continue to be able to lose any weight, I’m asking to be switched to something else entirely. That’s a whole other post, though.

I’m going to go drink my coffee now. mm, Maxwell House!

I don’t mean the fish, either. It seems like everyone’s doing 180′s on me and no one is sticking by me. My friends all seem to be going on with their own lives, just completely forgetting me in the scheme of things. I’m not saying I want to be the center of attention, just that a phone call would be nice every now and again. I’m sick of the phrase “phones work both ways,” simply because I’m forever the first one making the damn call to begin with. It’s not my fault they don’t recall that months after the fact.

Canadian and another person now want me to try and work with the boys. Yea, let me just squeeze that in with the 10+ hours a day I sleep, the hours it takes me to do a simple task, and the general crap that is my life lately. I just can’t do it. I felt such a relief when Canadian told me she would take them. I can’t. I just can’t do this shit. I’ve tried, and I’ve failed, and I just can’t try anymore. Why can’t people understand that? I just don’t have it in me to keep trying.

Maybe the new med change will change the way I feel, but I’ve felt like this for a long time now. It’s not anything new. I’m just fucking confused and I feel hopeless.

It’s 3:30am and I’m up. I don’t really want to be up, but here I am, wide awake. I’m sort of over this, Pixelated Space. The only bonus is that I get to talk to Aussie for a while, but he doesn’t get home for another half hour or so. Blah…

I don’t understand this new sleeping schedule of mine, or why I feel better when I haven’t taken my meds on time, or why I feel better the more that I eat. I want some answers, dammit. Of course no one’s got any for me. It’s about how everything is touch and go and everyone is different. Maybe I’m in some weird down cycle where I’m not actually depressed. Maybe I’m leveling out and this is the way my body is responding to it. Yes, I was actually told that..

I just want to be… I don’t know. Normal seems like such a subjective word. Everyone I know always puts it in quotations, as if to say who knows what normal really is. Hell, I’ve done it myself. So if not normal, then what? Stable? It sounds so clinical and sterile. It doesn’t show me a life I really want to live. The quoted normal doesn’t do much for me, either. I just want to be me again. Unfortunately the only me I’ve ever known was bipolar and on one end of the spectrum or the other. I liked me at some point, though, so why can’t I get back to that part? It’s like I’ve hit a brick wall and someone keeps slamming me into it. The thing that scares me is that I’m the one doing it, just trying to get back to that place.