I don’t mean the fish, either. It seems like everyone’s doing 180′s on me and no one is sticking by me. My friends all seem to be going on with their own lives, just completely forgetting me in the scheme of things. I’m not saying I want to be the center of attention, just that a phone call would be nice every now and again. I’m sick of the phrase “phones work both ways,” simply because I’m forever the first one making the damn call to begin with. It’s not my fault they don’t recall that months after the fact.

Canadian and another person now want me to try and work with the boys. Yea, let me just squeeze that in with the 10+ hours a day I sleep, the hours it takes me to do a simple task, and the general crap that is my life lately. I just can’t do it. I felt such a relief when Canadian told me she would take them. I can’t. I just can’t do this shit. I’ve tried, and I’ve failed, and I just can’t try anymore. Why can’t people understand that? I just don’t have it in me to keep trying.

Maybe the new med change will change the way I feel, but I’ve felt like this for a long time now. It’s not anything new. I’m just fucking confused and I feel hopeless.

Okay, this is not something I normally would do with crazy meds, but this sleeping all day no energy bullshit has to go. This is also what my doc is doing anyhow, so why not jump the gun a little and see what happens. It’s only until Thursday when I get my refill anyhow…

So what am I doing? I’m going to half the dosage [ie: cut the pill in half] for my nightly dosage tonight and morning dosage tomorrow. This is exactly what my doc is planning, so I see no real problems with it. We’ll also see if I have any energy and motivation to do a damn thing.

I’ve already taken my morning dosage and I feel like shit, when prior to that I felt mostly fine. There has to be some correlation there. A five item To Do List shouldn’t make me want to cry. Having a shower shouldn’t seem like such an ordeal that I can’t be fucked to bother with it. I’m tired of feeling this way. If there’s no real change in things, I’m going to demand different meds, because this is bullshit. I’m supposed to feel better, not worse.

I’ve got an hour or so to muster up the energy just to go get cat food and I’m most likely going to go lay down and take a nap. That’s right, I have to have a fucking nap for a 10 minute errand. Tell me that wouldn’t piss you off, too.

It’s not a good day and it’s barely 9am. Really hoping things go uphill from here, but I seriously doubt that they will.

She’s supposedly going to try and have a yard sale this weekend, so now I’m stressing over things that maybe I could sell. Do I really need my books? Do I really need my TV? All kinds of things that I’ve been holding on to since I last lived away from home and now have no space for.. It’s stressing me out thinking about it and it’s not pretty.

Add into that I’m expected to call the clinic again to make sure my refill went through for my meds. Oh, and the company Asshat got the memory from. He’s expecting me to call them and tell them I need to exchange the 2GB sticks for 4 1GB sticks since apparently my model can’t take 2GB sticks. I don’t think they’ll take it back since I ripped the packaging to hell opening it. Exchanges generally mean you haven’t messed shit up. He’s blaming me and acting all pissed off about it. I looked it up on the Dell website, how the fucking hell was I supposed to know that they drastically changed the model in a 2 year period?! I’m not good with calling for things, especially things like that, and he damn well knows it. So does she, but of course no one’s willing to help me out a little bit. No one is ever willing to help me out.

My uncle is bugging me to groom his dog, who is ancient now and mean as fuck. She never liked being groomed and certainly has no issue with trying to take my hand off now. I’m blaming it on my blades needing to be sharpened, but I’m afraid to groom her because the meds make me shake so badly that I’m worried I’m going to accidentally hurt her. At which point she will take my hand out and then there’s an ER visit with bills I sure as fuck can’t afford to pay.

I’ve got shit I have to do today and I just.. I just want to crawl back into bed and make this day go away. Seems to be the running theme as of late and I’m terrified to tell anyone because the last thing I need is people freaking out and telling me I need to “go away” for a little while.