Dear Bugs invading my garden,

While I go to great lengths to work with my environment as much as I can, you are pushing me to my limit. Now, I understand that you have to eat, but why have you left your home in The Bitch’s massive compost heap [aka her garden] for the rich fields of mine? When I set out making a healthy, chemical free environment, I wasn’t doing it for you. I’m very sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I had ladybugs, parasitic wasps, and maybe some butterflies in mind.

I would very much hate to have to resort to anything drastic, but your insistent munching on my vegetables simply must stop. You have utterly destroyed several plants already and I cannot idly stand by and watch you destroy the ones that survived your first onslaught. While I’m usually against such violence, I will annihilate your ass. The Bitch has given you a wondrous space of various stages of rotting vegetables and such. She has made no effort to control your numbers or to rid you from there. With such Utopia a simple wooden fence away, I fail to see your logic in abandoning it for what could very well become a war zone. Might I suggest you go back to frolicking carefree in her yard.

Please do not feel that I am singling you out for the damage that has been done. I will be having a discussion with the finches, squirrels, and chipmunks at a later date. I know that most of you are not responsible for the grape tomatoes half eaten and scattered around the yard. The half eaten ones remaining on the vine and the quickly deteriorating branches, however, are strictly the caterpillars’ fault. I do hope you all remember the sudsy end that became of them when they went too far.

Now, I hope that I have made it clear that I do not wish to exact revenge upon you all, but if these actions continue I will be forced to do just that. Please save us both that trouble and return from whence you came.

Sincerely,
The Coffee Ho

Things here at Chez Ho had calmed down some. The War on my neighbor was at a standstill while we tried to sort out our legal rights and how to go about enforcing them. Found a letter sample, now it’s just a matter of getting the damn thing written and on it’s way to her.

They went out of town last week so I had another opportunity to really look at what she’s doing against the fence. We’ve had an issue with Chinese wisteria as long as I can remember, and it’s a big battle every year. We never seem to be able to win that particular war, but generally the score’s even by season’s end. Apparently some of the damn crap made it’s way into her yard. Not only is she allowing it to grow rampantly, she’s wrapping it around our fence. I unwound it as best I could from over the top of the fence when they went out of town the last time. When I went back there to check on the vines I cut on our side, I’ll be damned if the wisteria on her side hadn’t grown extensively, but that she had wrapped *all* of it against the fence. There’s also another section she’s started doing the same with.

Now for those who don’t know the damage wisteria can do, let me enlighten you. It can literally rip out a foundation of a house. It can bring a 100yr old oak tree down within a couple of seasons. It can rip down a fence like it’s nothing. Check it out on Invasive.org. If she wants the shit in her yard, fine. I don’t care. Wrapping it against our wooden fence [that doesn't stand half the chance that the old chainlink had] is not acceptable. I tried to keep my cool and just snipped off the bits sticking through the fence before I realized what she had done. The next round to come through will have RoundUp sprayed on it. This shit does not die, there is no getting rid of it once it’s established. Wtf would she let it continue to grow *right* there?! Cause yanno what, since she – by way of blocking us with her shed – is responsible for that plant. And any damage it does.

She also keeps “hiring” people she says are her “friends” that wind up being very creepy men. Creepy men who watch me over the fence when I’m in the backyard. Someone needs to please explain to me why some white chick smoking is so damn fascinating to them. And why she always seems to have these.. Nasty older men over there. People with hair that looks like it hasn’t been washed in several days, in grungy clothes, generally unkempt.. Just.. Nasty. It’s not just the way they look, though. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s just a general Bad Creepy vibe. I’ve been advised by a few friends to just call the cops next time if I don’t want to confront them by myself. That there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being creeped out by some strange old man staring at me and that’s what the cops are there for. I dunno, though, calling the cops just seems a smidge extreme when I could just as easily go inside.. They do have a point when they say I’m making myself a prisoner in my own home between avoiding the Bitch herself as well as her friends.

I’m honestly just done with it all. I’m tired of dealing with her, tired of dealing with her bullshit. We talked about just taking the fence down and putting up some cheapo fencing. If we have no privacy anyhow, what’s the point of the fence? So we’ll put up a cheap fence to keep the dogs and then she can’t do all this bullshit. I don’t like that idea, though. I like not having to see her decide to go walking around in the nude anymore. Her kid is downright weird and I really don’t trust her to not seriously injure the dogs if she could get access to them. I also like even just the illusion of privacy. That I can just sit outside in the morning in my pj’s and look at my yard without having someone stare at me or make some big commotion in their yard. Sure I can hear them already but I don’t have to see them.

I guess it’s just not fun anymore. It’s just gotten to the point where it only pisses me off and I get infuriated by having my hands tied by politeness. I just want to scream at her that she’s a mad cow of a bitch and she just needs to STOP.. But I can’t. I have to ask her nicely to not do X, could she please do Y. In my search for ideas from others with NFH [neighbors from hell] I found a couple of websites that go over ways to get your neighbor to move. Maybe I should concentrate on that some.

Bah! I had wanted to post some new pics of the organic bed and my beautiful zucchini, maybe some cantaloupe porn.. Just talking about her and her bullshit is exhausting, though.

Who knew vacations could be so exhausting?

After doing not a damn thing at all yesterday, I was up all night with DumbKittie since he was sick. I love him, it’s not his fault, but someone please explain to me why all of a sudden he wants to throw up *under* the bed? If someone could also explain why they can’t let me sleep past 6am after nights like that..? Sadistic bastids.

I still have some work I have to finish up [still have a raging case of buggerit] then I’m going to putter around the yard some. Need to start the seeds for the fall crop soon. The summer vegetables that certain people haven’t planted yet have completely outgrown their newspaper pots. I don’t have anything bigger than the cup I used for those, so I’m going to have to use real pots now. Blech! I probably need to check the Butterfly bushes, too. They’ve been in the 4″ pots a few weeks now. They’re doing really great, nice and bushy, but they’re still pretty small. Maybe 5″ tall. I’ll pull a couple out and see if they need to be potted up today.

Sadly, it doesn’t look like the juniper cuttings are going to take. I knew they were very difficult to propagate from cuttings, but I had hoped atleast one would make it. I’ll be trying some layering or something next.

Since this is taking me forever to type, breaking news on the Bitch and her Crappy Corn! She’s out of town and has someone watering her crap. Which, by the way, after a peek + pictures for evidence if needed, really does look like crap. Whoever she has coming by apparently can’t grasp the simple concepts of sprinklers and how to adjust them. Even the idea of adjusting water pressure is beyond his grasp! First it was the 24hr flooding of my side yard. Then it was the attempt to wash out the steep grade from her lawn to our’s in the back. Now we’re back to flooding my side yard. Asshat was literally watering my yard 6+ft from the fucking fence! Not only did I have to move the damn sprinkler, I had to sit and adjust the water pressure. I really should leave a nasty note on her spigot, something along the lines of, “It’s called adjusting, moron!”

If it keeps up, next time I’m turning off the damn thing. It’s not my job to sit there and make sure her corn is still being watered but not flooding my yard. It’s also not my job to sit idly by and watch $150+ worth of flowers get ruined. If my Black Eyed Susan’s and Blanket Flowers continue to do so poorly [after a seriously *great* start!] you can bet your sweet ass that Bitch will be paying to replace them. And they’re not those dinky 4″ pots, either. They were god damn 2 gallon pots from Hasting’s!! Yuppy garden center don’t sell shit for cheap!

Another thing is that damn pond of her’s. She’s been gone since last Friday or so and it’s not been run once since. It’s going stagnant and is starting to look gross. Not to mention the fucking Mosquito population that’s easily tripled since she filled it to begin with. I never used to get bitten in the mornings, but suddenly I have to hose myself down with Off just to go do my crop tour at 7 bloody am. Tell me that’s not a friggin coincidence. Of course the Swine Flu and crap are the biggest Things now, so they no longer have the phone numbers up to report West Nile risks. Fuckers!

Okay, my day needs to get started already and ranting about the Bitch isn’t getting me anywhere. Deeeeep breaths..