For once, I am stuck in a rut and I want to change that. I don’t particularly care for change in general. As a matter of fact, I hate change. Change means reorganizing my life and doing things differently and.. I just don’t like it. Yes, I’ve been stuck in ruts I wasn’t happy with before, and I wanted them to change, but I didn’t want to do anything to change them. Right now, in this moment, I want that change so badly it almost hurts.

It helps that this is a rare moment of calm and clarity. I can look around myself and see what’s happening, I can feel my own feelings, my own emotions. There’s no fog mucking everything up. It won’t last for long, and I know that, which makes this even more difficult than it should be. It’s the knowing that hurts. In the middle of all that Fog, you know there was a moment when your thoughts were your own and your emotions were genuine. This is the price I’m paying, and don’t make the mistake of thinking I don’t understand that. I may have been clearer before all of this, but it wasn’t Good. That clarity of mind and body came with it’s price, too. I don’t know if this path is the lesser of two evils or not, but it’s the one I’m on and it’s the one I chose.

I want to get this out before that Fog descends, so I’ll get to it. This rut that I’m in, the change that I want.. I don’t know what change I do want, I only know that something’s got to. It seems my wonderfully hated expression is valid these days – Something’s got to give, and I’m tired of it being me. I do know the things that I want, but I’m not sure how I’m going to get them, or if I ever will get them. I know that something does have to give, and for once it is not going to be me. I feel so cliche and emo saying it, but I feel like a mirror that’s been broken one too many times. The image is distorted forever, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less for the wanting of it. Plainly, that I’m fucked up and all that, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not worth it. I’m worth fighting for. I’m worth wanting. I’m worth the effort.

I can say these things now, but it will probably revert back to how unworthy I am later on. I’ve said it, though, so maybe not. Maybe today will be just a little bit different. I can only hope, right? Because I know I deserve better than what’s been given me, and I need to change that. If I don’t change it, I’m going to be stuck in this vicious cycle for the rest of my days. I know I can’t do that. I will break a final time and that will be the end of it. I know, how melodramatic, eh? But it’s the truth. I can’t take this anymore, and if it can’t change – if I can’t change… Well, we all know what will happen then.

I’m in desperate need of my second cup of coffee and I know I’ll stop making sense or will start to get all jittery around the edges before I can lay it all out, so I’m going to stop here for now. For now, just know that I am worth it, and that in this moment I know it.